Sunday, January 30, 2011

January 30, 2011

    Getting sober was like being returned to the land of hunger in so many ways: I began to want things for myself, and I felt so utterly incompetent at life. 3 years later, what has changed? The man I lived with for 2 years dumped me because he doesn't like my son, and I have moved twice in the last two months. Both moves were bad ideas. I am currently homeless, although I have a place to stay and all that: and next week I will be moving in to the top floor of a friend's house until I can again save up enough money to get my own place. My life has been shaken up financially, romantically, physically and emotionally.

I also struggle with chronic physical illness which is unlikely to ever improve, but which is somewhat manageable: I live with a lot of chronic pain, and due to the fact that I'm a recovering addict, I am restricted  in what medications I can safely take. The good drugs are pretty much out of the question for me, other than for surgeries and such.

It seems I should be a lot further along than this. I don't look good on paper, that's for sure. But it's funny: I am more at peace in the middle of this uncertainty than I have been for a long, long time. I KNOW that everything will be fine. I don't believe that God brought me this far to dump me on my head now. I have also become the person I am today as a result of the circumstances I have lived through. Life has transformed me into this woman I am today, and I mostly like her.

I believe that we are here to listen to each other, and to be changed by listening to each other. What I want most in this world is to hear other people's stories. I want to moved by you. I want to hear your truth. And maybe after all this time, I want to speak my own truth. Maybe I have something to say that will move you, that will open your mind or your heart...I want to tell my stories somewhere, and I guess it starts here. Thank you for listening.

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